Saturday, 18 June 2011

Alan's Boring Bits

Little Things That Fly and Bite

In Sweden, they come in three sizes - small, medium and large.
The small ones are social creatures playfully flying round in groups the size of the average thunder cloud. They make no noise on approach, land lightly, strike and delicately dine on the merest drop of your precious blood. There are those amongst us who will not react. A slight red mark is the only tell-tale sign of attack. There are others who will look down at the exposed flesh to see a thousand pulsating spots each demanding to be scratched and infected with the detritus lingering in readiness under the finger nails.

Medium sized flying bitey things are highly skilled and intelligent assassins. Having observed their targets behaviour, they will hide in readiness. Favourite spots include picnic tables, park benches, all designated swimming areas, at the head of the bed, on top of the shower, under the rim of the toilet……They are noisy blighters, buzzing and farting with excitement at the prospect of a good meal. At the point of strike, You have 0.76 of a second to retaliate. You can increase the retaliation time by using “anti things that fly and bite” spray. I can highly recommend the stuff I’m using – “Murder Mossies”. It comes in a metal container as it dissolves most plastics. When left to dribble down the side of the bottle, it dissolves the paint along with all the dire warnings about where not to put it. It is the equivalent of agent orange and will defoliate your aspidistra as well as removing all facial hair. You know you have used it on your face because your skin contracts to an Anne Robinson look alike. Although this stuff will cause RAF tornadoes to deviate from their flight path, medium sized flying bitey things love it. It is the aperitif before the main course and hence the marginal increase in swotting (retaliation) time. End result is a pulsating lump demanding to be scratched and infected with the detritus lingering in readiness under the finger nails.
Unlike the medium and small varieties, the large versions do not have hypodermic proboscis, rather they have north sea oil drilling rigs as appendages. You will not know that they are around until you see the blood streaming down your leg and a lump of what was your epidermis hanging from a well sized hole.  End result is a pulsating bloody great mound demanding to be scratched and infected with the detritus lingering in readiness under your finger nails.
Sweden is a lovely place famous for Abba and Little Things that Fly and Bite.


  1. Having just spent the last 30 minutes writing an hilarious comment on your latest (very amusing and entertaining) post my internet connection was terminated and my words were lost forever. You'l have to take my word for it i guess, but it was the work of genius. Anyhoo, Happy Dad's Day!! I sent your card to the local Swedish television network who assured me they would get it to you! x

  2. Just discovered you two are writing a blog. When we get a free moment (busy here honest)we will read it all and make some serious comments. Dawn and Ian (Fletcher)

  3. Ah Dad, that's hilarious!!! reminds me a bit of Austria... oh isn't that on your route too... maybe not Natters though hey??

  4. Made me itch just reading that....